Guilt Is a Real Symptom!

There are so many symptoms of chronic illness that seem to cross over from one disease, illness, syndrome, etc. to another.  Focusing on pain conditions because that happens to be my specialty, chronic pain conditions tend to come with fatigue, pain, loss of sleep, depression, and other widespread symptoms as well as vague symptoms that many don't even know to list as a symptom that go with chronic pain conditions. One hidden symptom that may get overlooked by the person with the chronic illness and by those around him or her is guilt, yes guilt. Now, you may ask how guilt is a symptom and not just an emotion, a feeling, or a result of being sick...so allow me to explain...


Every single day with a chronic pain condition, every decision we make, every place we go, every step we take has consequences. And we know very well that these consequences do not only affect ourselves. Yes, we would love if each decision didn't lead to another, and another, and yet another, but that is how life is. We may plan for certain things, but we all know that planning doesn't always mean a thing when it comes to a chronic illness. We never know when pain, fatigue, exhaustion, or pure overplanning can occur. We may wake up with a day that is a better pain day, but by the time we leave our house, it has shot clear up to a bad pain day. It is not our fault; it could be the weather, stress, or that we have a cold on top of our chronic condiiton. A real problem that occurs with all of this planning and pain, etc. is that we have to tell the friend that we were going to meet for lunch that we are going to have to cancel or reschedule for another day, that we just can't make it today. We might not be able to spend that extra time with our baby or child because we need to have a lot of extra resting today. Maybe you have a baby that you can't hold as much today or a young child who wanted to go to the park to play, and you had to tell him that you have to do it on another day when Mommy is feeling better. Maybe it was an important work day because you were in charge of running the meeting, and you had to call in sick, and worse yet, your boss had to take over your meeting for you.  Maybe you are a religious or spiritual person, and you just can't make it to the church service today because it is so hard just to get going that you know you won't be able to stand up during the service. What do all of these scenarios have in common? The answer is GUILT! Yes the hidden symptom of chronic pain conditions. We don't always see it, and people on the outside looking in don't always see it either. Guilt is a symptom that can actually cause you to feel even worse. You may think there is no way you could possibly feel worse, but you definitely can.

I have felt the guilt build up within me when I have had to cancel on the same friend numerous times. You begin to think that friend must not understand. She must think that I am just bailing on her because I don't want to be with her. It hurts us just as much as we think they hurt because we cancel on them.  We are dying inside dwelling on it over and over again. Will she ever believe that I want to go to lunch with her again? Will she think I am faking? Does she think I am really sick or that I just don't want to be with her? It is awful what it does to us. I have had the guilt of having pain and fatigue and being unable to hold my infant son as much as I'd like because it hurt too much, or my arms were too weak. I felt like he knew something was different. I felt like he thought I didn't love him anymore. It just tears at your heart! You find other ways to be present, to show your love and to play with them, but it isn't the same as holding a little baby in your arms.  They are so sweet and innocent, and hopefully they have never felt pain like you have felt, so they do not understand why you won't hold them when they cry. Instead, you console them in different ways. You lay them on your lap, put them next to you and talk to them and touch them. But the guilt is too big to tuck away.  Although you can't see it, it surfaces in other ways. It causes a pain so deep within your heart, no pain meds can reach it. It can't be measured on a pain scale either!  My son is only 3 months old, so I do not know what it is like to make promises I can't keep to a young child who may want to go to the park or something similar, but I can certainly imagine what it would be like when my son is older.

I do not work anymore, but I did have the guilt of missing work, important dates that I was supposed to be there and had to have someone cover for me because of my illness because of my surgeries. I felt so much guilt! Also, I am a very spiritual person. I love to go to church on Sundays and holidays. When I can't because of my illness, I feel so guilty. I think that God gave me so much, I should be able to go for an hour to thank Him. And yet, I cannot! The guilt is incredible.

Guilt is real. It hurts. It is a symptom not a feeling or an emotion. We cannot ignore it. We must work through the guilt because if we don't, we will find ourselves getting sicker. It is not something that we can hold on to. It will find a way to surface because although it is an invisible symptom, it cannot stay hidden forever!