Today is a particularly painful day for me for some reason. I have short acting pain meds that I can take at bedtime to get me through the night, but today, I got home and took one as soon as I got in the door. Now, as I type this the words are getting blurry, and any other pain that I have is disappearing very quickly, but not my shoulder. The meds are not even touching the pain! Incredible! It amazes me that nothing can soothe this pain.
So why would someone at age 35 need to get their shoulder replaced you may ask? Well, it isn't because I just want a new model, but I really don't feel exceptionally attached to this one either. I have a rare joint disease called avascular necrosis where the blood flow does not reach the joint, the joint dies, and the joint collapses. The only thing that can be done is to replace the collapsed joint. I had my left hip replaced in 2003, and now I will have my right shoulder replaced. I also have the disease in my other hip and shoulder and both knees. On top of that I have a form of arthritis called psoriatic arthritis and a connective tissue disease called sjogren's. Both affect my skin, joints, salivary glands, tear production, and lungs. I also have hypermobility diseasein my fingers, knees and elbows. I have high blood pressure as well as asthma and allergies.
So this morning I woke up with the pain so intense in my shoulder that I thought I wouldn't be able to even face the day. But ya know I did face it. I took a shower, fed the dogs, took them outside, and went and volunteered at the pregnancy center that I go to once or twice a week. I stayed there for the whole 4 hours.
I made it. Then I got into the car to drive home. How the hell did I drive in this morning? I cannot even put my hand on the bottom of the steering wheel today. How am I going to get through this week?
Sometimes I ask myself this, and somehow I muster up some strength to get through, but I really don't know how I'm gonna do it this time. I am being totally serious. I have strength sometimes that I never thought I could ever have, but come on, sometimes you just have to give up and stay on the couch.
I think I'm giving up. Is it giving up though when there is just nothing you can do? Well, the nausea is starting to set in. I remember why I told the pain doc that I cannot take pain meds during the day. I can't function. I get too sick when I take the pain pills during the day. But when you reach a point where you can't move anyway, why not take the pills and just go to sleep? What else would I be doing anyway? I mean could this pain get any worse? Oh God, I hope not!...
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