I Am A Superhero!

I am a Superhero!

April 18th, 2011 

This was a winning entry in How to Cope with Pain Blog “Write Something to Share” contest and is written by Dana, who writes at I Already Gave My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous!

After coping with pain for many years, it becomes a way of life.  I’m truly not being negative.  I’m just stating a fact.  If you live with chronic pain, you understand what I’m talking about completely.  You learn to give yourself more time, to plan ahead, to always expect things could change at the last minute, to never put too much weight on your plans, and above all to give yourself a lot of slack.  You have to learn to not be too hard on yourself.  Ultimately, a person with chronic pain wants more than anything to be normal or to appear as normal as possible.  I know that I will never be normal again, and I accept it; but I can still dream…right?

I cope with my pain better than a lot of others I know, and I cope much better than I did when the pain first began.  There is a learning curve.  One of the most important things to know about coping with chronic pain that I have learned is that I can’t blame myself for what seems to follow when the pain days are bad, or worse than usual.  There is no reason to put more stress upon myself by putting blame upon me for something that I didn’t cause.  Now there are times when I overdo it, and I definitely can point the finger at myself for the increased pain that will cause.  But overall, with chronic pain, it is going to be there every day, and it will increase and decrease from day to day at no fault of my own.

I am the type of person who has always been extremely hard on me in order to challenge myself and accomplish goals in my life. Yes, I think that is important most of the time, but not when it comes to chronic pain.  I have learned that chronic pain is almost like a characteristic that makes me who I am, that can’t really be changed because it is a part of me.  For instance, I am short—5 feet   1 ¾ inches tall. I cannot make myself taller than that.  I can wear heels (although I don’t really suggest I do that with the pain that I experience in my feet, ankles, knees , hips and lower back),  but when I take my pumps off, I will always be 5 feet  1 ¾ inches tall.  If I wanted to be shorter, well first of all, I would have to ask “why?” Secondly, unless I am sitting down in a chair, I will always be the same height without heels.  So, with pain, I will always have it. I can better cope with it by taking pain medications, practicing relaxation techniques, exercising, resting throughout the day, proper stretching, proper shoes, etc.  But the pain will always be there, and it will never completely disappear.  I will have bad pain days, and I will have better pain days, but I will never have pain free days.  I accept it. It is a part of my life.

I can’t really say you get used to it, but I have gotten stronger as a person because of the pain.  Not necessarily physically, but mentally, psychologically, emotionally, and spiritually I am a superhero. That is how strong I am!  Because of the ability to cope so well with day to day chronic pain, and not allowing it to run my life, I am able to use the coping skills that I developed to help me cope in other ways in my life.  It is amazing how much more life I have now that I have transferred my pain coping skills into the rest of my life…Ok, so you want examples?  Well, I can give you one HUGE example that has been the biggest change in my life, which hasn’t had a HUGE effect on my pain though because I have such great coping skills.

This past December, my husband and I adopted a baby boy.  He is our first child. We have been married for nearly 11 years now, have tried the adoption route for 6 years, and finally we were blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy.  We had to fly to another state to pick him up, and we got there 6 days before he was born (he was overdue).  We were able to pick him up and take him with us from the hospital when he was just 4 days old.  So we were staying in a hotel.  It was a nice hotel for extended stays.  Luckily, from the very first night with us, he slept through the night 5 to 6 hours at a time (now 8 hours at a time at 2 ½ months old).  At this point, my body was faced with probably one of the biggest stresses possible—feedings every 2 hours, diaper changes, carrying the baby constantly, bouncing the baby, holding the bottle for 30 minutes at a time in the same position, burping the baby, giving the baby a bath, putting on a diaper, etc., etc., etc.  All of these things I was able to do, I just have to do them in a different way than other mommies do them.  It also may take me a little bit longer.  I have learned to love the slings to carry him close to me. I have also learned to love pillows to lay him on when I feed him and prop him up, and to prop my own arms up.  I have learned easier ways to make up his bottles and to change his diapers and even to give him a bath.  I may do things a little differently, but I get everything done and have a very happy and healthy baby boy who is thriving!

I have learned that just as I must be patient with my own body because of the pain, I must be just as patient with my baby boy who will cry a lot. I may not always know what he needs, or it may take a while to figure it out, so I must use that patience that I know so well with my own body.  I have learned to take care of the tasks that have to get done and put the others off until I am able to do them.  Those tasks will keep.  Anything that the baby needs is priority—making bottles, changing diapers, soothing his tears, playing with him, bathing him, etc.  Dusting, vacuuming, and cleaning the kitchen and bath are among the tasks that are at the very bottom of the list.  Taking care of me is very important though too. I can’t put me off because if I flare, who will be there for the baby?  That is constantly running through my mind.  I do my best to make sure I get the rest I need, to eat healthy, to take my meds, to exercise when I can, etc.  I have found that by taking care of myself, by making sure that the baby is taken care of, and by putting off the less important tasks, and letting some of my chores keep until I can get to them has kept me from flaring these past 2 ½ months. I have not flared once since we brought the baby to the hotel out of town.

I will tell you that we had some major unexpected events occur during the adoption process.  The birth family found out that I had a joint disease and wanted to back out of the adoption agreement with us.  I was devastated! For the first time in a long time, I allowed my chronic pain conditions to define me!  That was so unlike me!  I stood back, took a good hard look at my life and why we were adopting, and realized that this was what we had always wanted—to raise a family.  It was a promise we made to each other before God in our vows.  We were going to make this happen!  My rheumatologist spoke to the birth family about how I was coping so well and was very capable of raising a child.  He had no doubts.  The family decided to go with their previous decision and place the baby with us!  We were excited and nervous all at once, but we felt we were ready at this point in our lives.

Then while out of town, staying in the hotel, we had some problems with the paperwork and fingerprinting, so we had to stay much longer than anticipated.  We ended up being out of town from December 9^th through the first week of January.  We had the baby in a hotel room with us from the 18^th of December until we left in January!  We had to do our fingerprints in that state, and I had to redo mine 3 times while I was there because they have a hard time rolling my fingers with the ink because of the arthritis in them.  So that was more stress.  I was unable to exercise at the gym there, so I was unable to release the stress that way, which really helps me to cope better.  Our luggage got lost at the airport!  The window in our hotel room wouldn’t close, and it was winter—snow and freezing temperatures!  We asked for another room, and the desk worker said that was the last available room we were in. She said to use all of our weight and push down on the window.  Well, actually, that did work!

So with all the stress of a new baby, I’m making it because of my fabulous coping skills with having chronic pain.  I also have to say that I have never been happier.  It was worth the wait.  I love him with all my heart!  In a way, I can thank my chronic pain for helping me to be a better mom.  If it weren’t for my chronic pain, my coping skills wouldn’t be this perfected.  I wouldn’t be able to handle the daily stresses of motherhood and the unexpected stresses that life throws at you as well.  So, thank you, chronic pain!

Help Me If You Can...I Do Appreciate You Being Round...Even If I Don't Always Act Like It!

For this blog carnival, it's our take on help. How do we  help ourselves, get help from others, or even recognize our need of a little helping hand? How do we feel about asking for help or getting some when we haven’t asked for any? Let's explore this topic.

Oh wow! Where do I begin with this topic? Help, I need somebody! This is so difficult for me. I am so independent. I am such an advocate for people with chronic pain and chronic illness that I lose sight of what I really need~HELP! 

The difficult part of this topic is that no matter how independent, self-assured, and secure we are, there is always a time in our lives when we feel down, fall down, have a door close in our face, and go through a life-changing event. For me, pain is constant and daily, so I have learned to live with it as a part of my life which is good and bad. It's good for me because I have learned to deal with life as a person with chronic pain, meaning that I know how to make plans and choices that fit my lifestyle. It's bad because those plans and choices will likely change in an instant. When those plans and choices have to change due to extreme pain days, weeks or months, it would be smart to ask for help. However, the stubborn side of me will almost never ask for help. It's not that I don't want it or need it. It's not that I think people like family and friends should be able to read my mind and automatically know when my pain is so bad that I have to start canceling things. I always feel like it makes me weak. Silly isn't it. The reason I think this is a silly thing is because here I am living with several pain conditions daily, which makes any person that does this strong, but I can't find the courage inside me to ask for even a little help.

This week, I was so stressed out. I went off my fibromyalgia medication. The pain was severe. I was so tired and fatigued but couldn't sleep. We have a 3 1/2 month old. Need I say more? Actually, I will give you a little more info. My hubby, baby and myself all live 9 1/2 hours away from any family member. We mostly hang out here with the hubby's friends from work, which have in turn become my friends, and I have made a few friends of my own as well. I feel bad asking people from his work for help because I don't know them that well. I also hate asking friends for help because I would rather help them. So that leaves the hubby. I guess I got so stressed out from not asking anyone, including my own spouse, for help that I lost it. I told my hubby that I couldn't do any of it. It was too hard. I was behind with getting bottles made, doing laundry, running the dishwasher, going to the store, sending birthday cards out, making meals, and putting stuff away. I couldn't or wouldn't even admit that it's been months since I cleaned, dusted or vacuumed the house! I was wearing the same clothes for the third day in a row and hadn't showered in I don't know when. I needed help!

He literally said to me that he couldn't believe how helpless I had become! I was furious! I was not helpless, and yet I was because I wasn't asking for help! I don't know if I ever looked at the word that way before, but at that moment I did. I was helpless. I was not taking any one's help or asking for any one's help. I was helpless! He told me that he wasn't a mind-reader. He couldn't tell what I needed help with unless I asked for it. Ah! That is the secret behind asking for help, you see. Help doesn't just come to you. You must get the courage up and ask for it. He told me that he just assumed that I had everything under control and didn't need any help. He said that on the outside looking in, I appear to have it all together. Hmmm...interesting, to say the least. It's kind of like our pain conditions. We look just fine from the outside until we let people know!

I realized this day that I had it out with my hubby, after he called me helpless, and then I felt hopeless for a while until I really got my senses together. To ask for help will only help keep us independent. Here is where I'm going with this...If we don't ask for help while our world is crumbling around us, and we lose all sense of reality until someone has to literally take over for us, that is not the answer. If we see that the foundation is beginning to crumble, we should ask for someone to please help us to strengthen it again so we do not fall apart and lose everything that we ever were or ever worked to be. It's kind of like when you press the refresh button on your computer!

"I'm Thankful to See The Next March 29th!"

This is in Chronic Babe's Blog Carnival # 26, "I am thankful for..." Last year on this day, March 29th, 2010, I was at Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta, GA on my first night of recovery following right shoulder replacement surgery. I am writing this post on March 29th, 2011, thankful that I have made it a full year with a wonderful new shoulder! I wouldn't be here today if it weren't for such a wonderful orthopaedic surgeon. He is the best in town, and that is why I picked him. My shoulder had collapsed in Oct. of 2010, and I waited until the end of March that year for that particular doctor to replace it. I could have had another orthopaedic surgeon from another group do it sooner, but I chose him! Thank you, Dr. D! I also would like to thank my wonderful friends from the Young Professionals Arthritis Group. They had brought me food as I recovered. Thank you dear friends, and you know who you are, Susan, Ang, Carlene, Kelbi and Michelle for being wonderful company to talk with and for taking me out when I was stuck at home and couldn't drive yet.

There is so much to be thankful for in this past year. With this shoulder replacement, I was able to get back into an exercise routine that helped me to get my strength back. It helped me to get a routine. Not even 7 months after my shoulder replacement, we were matched with a birth mother! What a wonderful gift to get well for! Thank you to that family for choosing my husband and I to raise Michael. I don't think I have ever been more thankful for anything in my life. With my health on the up rise, I could look forward to being a mommy for the first time in my life!

Although we had our rough times preparing for Michael to come home to us--meaning that the birth family almost changed their minds when they found out I had arthritis. They almost decided against my being Michael's mommy for fear that I couldn't do it because of my joint problems. So thank God for my Dr. W! He agreed to speak with the birth family to let them know that I would be a good mom, and that my arthritis would not prevent me from being able to raise Michael. So thank you, thank you, thank you, Dr. W!!!! I will never forget what you did to change our lives from husband and wife to daddy and mommy!

Thank you so much for all of the support that I have received online. Who would have guessed that people that I never met and probably will never meet in person would have given me so much encouragement and also have made me realize that blogging isn't just for me, it helps others. I am so thankful for all of you out there in cyberworld that have read my blog and have commented and given responses and replies. You have helped me to use my blogging and now Blog Talk Radio to help others in their journey to help themselves by helping others just by telling their story, and by helping themselves by the sheer joy of knowing that you helped even just one person with your story! What a wonderful feeling!

I am thankful that I decided to blog about the pain of waiting to have my shoulder replacement because had I not done that, who knows where I would be today~one year and a half since I began my blog! So thank you all my followers, friends, doctors, cyberfriends, facebook friends, chronic babes, and family that has been there for me and I for you! Remember, if it weren't for you, there would be no blog, and if it weren't for me, this blog would suck! So my story of my struggle has brought humor, love, pain, sadness, and most of all a great read for you all! Thank you all for listening and being there! Hang in there because ya never know when the next joint will need replacing!!!! Blessings and healing to all of you out there!

A Note to Us (Body, Mind and Soul):

A Note to Us (Body, Mind and Soul):

I thought that we had finally reached an understanding. I know that you will sometimes have days when your muscles will tighten up so badly that you can't move them. You will still wake up every single morning with stiff joints that will get better as the day progresses. I know that there are still some unknowns like when the other hip and shoulder will collapse and when both knees decide to totally give up and collapse all together. But what is up with you right now?

Why are you not communicating with me again? We were doing so well for a while! We were able to work together to eat well, exercise, and enjoy life. Now, you are sending out these strange new symptoms from the Body to the Mind and it is really irritating to the Soul! There are hot flashes, sweats, an increase in blood pressure, tachycardia, a decrease in sleep but an increase in sleepiness and fatigue.  The Mind gets these symptoms from the Body and automatically thinks it's something hormonal! Is it something totally new?  Is it menopause or my thyroid? Have we put on weight? Oh my, we have gained 25 pounds in 6 months!!! OK, why has the body put on so much weight? The Mind is obsessed over the weight gain! It is becoming too much for the Soul, for our spirit! It's upsetting us and making us depressed! 25 pounds isn't good for our joints, ya know. We are trying to conserve what we have here!


OK, the doctor said it isn't menopause or the thyroid. Let's really think about it...What is different? 7 months ago, we started a new fibro med, Savella. We looked up the side effects and to our amazement, they are all of our problems except weight gain. Now there are people that have said they gained weight on it. It is an antidepressant, and they do cause weight gain in some people. These particular side effects from Savella that we're experiencing are actually adverse reactions!!! Don't stress, don't stress, don't stress! We will wean ourselves off it. That is the responsible and right way to do it. So we begin...

What are we doing? We are having withdrawal symptoms coming off Savella. We wouldn't be having these symptoms if we tapered the dose, but instead we stopped taking it cold turkey. We did think about it for a good 15 minutes. We went through the pros and cons. We decided to just stop it because we became afraid of all the cardiac symptoms that we were having. We wanted them to stop. We didn't want to have anymore harm done to our heart than what may have already been done! So we just stopped it. To rationalize what we did, we thought about if we had been allergic to the medication, we would have just stopped it; wouldn't we? Now tomorrow we see the pain doctor. What will he tell us? Oh dear!


We just want to feel better. We want to be able to go to belly dancing class again next week and to attend aqua aerobics without feeling dizzy. We were feeling so good. The reason we went on Savella is because the migraines came back so we went back on the migraine medication. By doing that, we went off the medication for fibro and went on the new medication for fibro, Savella...and here we are today.


We are a mom now. We have a 3 1/2 month old baby boy. We must all work together and be on the same page to be strong enough to take care of a new baby. He is getting so big, and we must be healthy to hold him and carry him around the house. 


We are a team. Remember what it was like just 6 months ago when the team was working so well together. We were the right weight. Our joints did not ache every time we bent over and picked up Mick. Our fingers did not stiffen every time we tried to put his diaper on. 


Come on Team Dana! How can we get the team back? When the withdrawal symptoms are better, let's start exercising more! We already walk together. We already attend aqua aerobics together. We signed up for our next belly dancing class that begins next week!

Come on Team Dana! Let's work together Mind, Body and Soul! 

Dear Body, please tell the Mind when you need more help with your symptom checks. Dear Mind, please look toward the Soul to give you strength when you begin to feel depressed and confused by the Body's symptoms. Dear Soul, please do not give up on the Body and the Mind because we need your Spirit to keep us in check! We need all of you to keep Dana all together as a whole person. 

Thank you so much! Hope to hear from each of you soon (Body, Mind and Soul),

Love,
Dana

I Can Be a Mommy & Have a Chronic Illness!

In Chronic Babe's "I can do it!" we talk about something you thought chronic illness would never let you do until you mustered up the courage and went for it.

As you know from following my blog, my hubby and I had been trying to adopt a baby for about 6 years now, and you also know that I have several chronic illnesses that cause pain, fatigue, disability and joint replacements (among other things). Well, I have always thought of myself as a brave person and a strong woman. I was strong long before the chronic illnesses became permanent, so at least I had a good foundation! I never realized how strong or how courageous I truly was until my body tested me to the extremes, and daily life became more and more challenging. I realized when I became so overwhelmed that I just needed to step back and take a good look at myself. I had gotten overlooked. It was awfully foggy at the time and hard to see ME through all the CHRONIC STUFF! When I finally took a good hard look at myself, I realized that I didn't change at all. My health changed. I was still the same Dana that I had always been; well, I was a bit more experienced and a lot more educated about the world. I didn't realize that of course until I saw myself again for the first time.

I still had the same hopes and dreams; the same values; the same beliefs; the same goals. I had to tweak a lot of things to fit a newer, different lifestyle, but above all, I found out that I can accomplish anything and everything I set out to. Now I have to constantly tell myself, remind myself if you will, that things that once were accomplished easier, faster, and more directly are now done more slowly, carefully and what seems to appear as a more round-about way. It is an amazing discovery! I can have chronic illnesses, have goals, accomplish goals, and not lose sight of ME! I love it.

So what is so important about this. Well to me, and to all of you with similar issues, when you become Chronic Illness instead of Dana, that actually becomes your identity. You lose yourself. You lose that want for life, to live for anything including yourself. I'm not even being extreme. I'm not even talking about suicide or anything like that, although it could get that bad for some people if you don't find yourself quick enough. For me, I lost who I truly was--my spunk, my love to laugh, to dance, to see the beauty in things, and to want anything for myself.

When my hubby and I were married, nearly 11 years ago, we vowed to have a family. We new we wouldn't be complete without children. That was something that we wanted for ourselves for so long. Although, we continued to go through adoption agency after agency, the foster care system, and even adoption facilitators (as well as advertising with a facilitator online), a part of me thought it would never happen after approaching the 6 1/2 year mark. I began to fear that maybe it was God's way of telling me that I "couldn't" do it, I "couldn't" be a mommy.  I started to bury the goal beneath the chronic illnesses. We signed with a new adoption place in December of '09. I started to come out of the fog and realize that I needed to start working toward that goal, to be a mommy. I knew if I didn't find that hidden "mommy" inside me, she would be lost forever. I knew I didn't want to lose that want. It was something that was highest on my list of goals. We made a promise to ourselves and God on our wedding day to have a family, and here I was, 35 years old, still childless!

The moment we began with this adoption place, filled out paperwork, had our physicals, got our fingerprints and background checks, and did our home study, Dana had surfaced! I once again was getting those wonderful "mommy" feelings!  Thank God. We waited and waited with this place to be matched with a birth mother.  It felt like eternity! I knew there was a baby out there for us, and that was a good sign to me that I was hopeful once again to be a "mommy." We right away put the nursery together, decided on a theme (forest animals), began decorating, and we bought our first baby layette of bath towels and onesies and set it in the nursery. Jim put the crib together. We made our photo album up to handout to birth mothers that fit our preferences. We were open to any gender, up to a year old, any race or creed and a sibling up to age 8 as well. We began to prepare family and friends. We had our website put together and were linked to as many as 15-20 other websites. We even made a video welcoming a birth mother and baby into our home. I painted a gigantic heart tree and hung it behind the crib. We waited...

The most important thing here is that the waiting wasn't painful. We prayed a lot and had faith that there was a baby out there for us. We thought the baby would most likely be of another race because of statistics, so we prepared family and friends for that. And we waited...patiently...I actually had something in my life to wait for, to dwell on, to pray about besides my chronic illnesses. It was a welcome change of pace.

Then, when it felt like time had stood still, we got a phone call in October, the week before my mom's birthday. A birth mother and her mom had chosen us to parent. Wait a minute...What did she just say? OMG! The first thought that came to mind was, already?  After 10 months with this adoption place, I suddenly felt like we hadn't waited that long. I know, too funny, right?!  Jim was out of town at a university outside of Philly for the weekend. He hardly ever goes out of town, but he was attending a conference. He was in the middle of a Nor'easter as well! It took him 3 hours to drive 70 miles! I hadn't heard from him in hours. I was worried and excited all at once. I didn't want to call him while he was in a storm, so I waited for him to get to his hotel.  I didn't want to make a decision to speak with the birth mother and her mother without talking with my hubby first about the situation. It's only right; after all, we are a team!

I explained the situation to Jim who safely arrived at the hotel. He was so excited as well. The next day, the birth mother's mother called me at home. We spoke for two hours on the phone and hit it off well. Then I spoke briefly with the birth mother. She was very sweet. I told them that they could speak with Jim when he returned home. They agreed, but felt so far that they wanted to go ahead with this. I also agreed. Jim talked to the birth mother 2 days later. It went well. We talked all 3 of us for a while on speaker phone too. We laughed about Jim playing sports, and whether or not Michael would be a good athlete or not. She wanted us to name him Michael Robert. We agreed. We agreed to raise him Catholic like ourselves, to say the rosary, to send pictures of him to the family. We had no problem doing this. Michael was going to be our son!...

Meanwhile, our last name was leaked somehow by the adoption place. We don't know how, but what was done, was done. They googled me and found out that I had several chronic illnesses--joint diseases. Our adoption coordinator contacted me to say they were having second thoughts. I was devastated! Was I right in the beginning to think I couldn't be a mom? Was I not cut out to be a mom after all?  When the birth mother's mother called me, she said some awful things to me about my illnesses and my inabilities to be a mom to Michael. She obviously didn't realize that there are people who are great moms who are in wheelchairs, who don't have the ability to use their arms, who can't walk, who are blind or deaf. To some, these are seen as inabilities to be a mother, but to those that are moms and "can do it", they are just differences. They take care of their children but find other ways to reach the same outcomes. I couldn't think of how to change their minds. I felt so hopeless and helpless, I felt myself slipping back behind the chronic illnesses again. I began to lose Dana and the mommy I was to become in less than 2 months. Think fast! What to do? I offered to fly up to meet them. I offered to have my rheumatologist call them and let them know that I am perfectly capable of taking care of a child...

They just needed time...

Time for me at that moment just made me slip further and further behind the cloud...Then the phone rang. They agreed to speak with my rheumatologist. I don't know what he said to them, but after I arranged for a time for him to contact the family, 24 hours later, the birth mother's mother called and left a message for us to contact her. We called back immediately.  She said that they thought about it all, and they picked us for who we are as a family and how we will raise Michael. Anyone can get sick or hurt at anytime, and we have no control over it, so they wanted us to parent Michael. We said thanks and that we had prayed so hard over this. We felt so connected to Michael already, calling him Michael to everyone we know. He had a name, he was our son already! The phone call we received was the weekend of the feast day of St. Gerard Majella, the patron saint of childbirth and motherhood, also my mom's birthday. Michael was due on the Immaculate Conception. We prayed to St. Anthony every single day for a miracle. All of a sudden, we received a wrist rosary with St. Anthony on it, then a St. Anthony key chain, and while visiting friends in Boston, I looked in the directory to find the nearest Catholic church. 2 minutes from our hotel was the Shrine of St. Anthony. We lit a candle there and said a prayer again for a miracle!  Also, our hotel # was 128, which was his due date 12/8. The birth mother and her mother gave us a gift of a picture of the Holy Family: Mary, Joseph and baby Jesus. We were still in the hotel for the feast of the Holy Family because we were out of town the entire holiday season.  We found out also that the birth mother's middle name was Mary and the birth mother's mother's middle name was Joe, so Michael was like Baby Jesus at the Inn! So many wonderful religious significances in the birth of our baby. We are going to baptize him June 26 which is the weekend of the feast of St. John the Baptizer! Might as well keep with the theme!

Ok, so speaking of theme; I found out that I can be a mommy! I am a darn good mommy. I am home with Michael every day while Jim is at work. I have been feeling great. I am able to do everything that any other mom can do, but sometimes I just have to go about it a different way. I might have to lay him across my lap or carry him in sling. I might have to prop him up on a pillow and feed him a bottle that way. I might have to have Jim open the formula cans so I can pour it into the bottles. Some days, we have lazy days together where we lay in bed together and play in bed. He has adjusted well with his mommy and her chronic illnesses. Ya know, that is the only way he knows it after all. It is normal to him. I change his diapers just fine. As a matter of fact, as long as the supplies are all laid out so I can easily reach them and get to them, we get those messy poopy diapers taken care of in jiff!  We have lots of fun together. I am enjoying being a mom so much. Thank God I didn't keep Mommy Dana hidden behind Chronic Illness. I am so much more than that!

Our big adventures are going to the Farmer's Market together, doctor's appointments (he knows all my doctors now), and taking walks with the stroller and his furry brother Cookie! Life is so beautiful again! I'm so glad I have Michael to share it with, to teach about life and love, and to understand about people with chronic illnesses. He will be such a compassionate and understanding person because he had ME for a MOMMY! All because I decided to search for myself again!

Thanks for listening!

Guilt Is a Real Symptom!

There are so many symptoms of chronic illness that seem to cross over from one disease, illness, syndrome, etc. to another.  Focusing on pain conditions because that happens to be my specialty, chronic pain conditions tend to come with fatigue, pain, loss of sleep, depression, and other widespread symptoms as well as vague symptoms that many don't even know to list as a symptom that go with chronic pain conditions. One hidden symptom that may get overlooked by the person with the chronic illness and by those around him or her is guilt, yes guilt. Now, you may ask how guilt is a symptom and not just an emotion, a feeling, or a result of being sick...so allow me to explain...


Every single day with a chronic pain condition, every decision we make, every place we go, every step we take has consequences. And we know very well that these consequences do not only affect ourselves. Yes, we would love if each decision didn't lead to another, and another, and yet another, but that is how life is. We may plan for certain things, but we all know that planning doesn't always mean a thing when it comes to a chronic illness. We never know when pain, fatigue, exhaustion, or pure overplanning can occur. We may wake up with a day that is a better pain day, but by the time we leave our house, it has shot clear up to a bad pain day. It is not our fault; it could be the weather, stress, or that we have a cold on top of our chronic condiiton. A real problem that occurs with all of this planning and pain, etc. is that we have to tell the friend that we were going to meet for lunch that we are going to have to cancel or reschedule for another day, that we just can't make it today. We might not be able to spend that extra time with our baby or child because we need to have a lot of extra resting today. Maybe you have a baby that you can't hold as much today or a young child who wanted to go to the park to play, and you had to tell him that you have to do it on another day when Mommy is feeling better. Maybe it was an important work day because you were in charge of running the meeting, and you had to call in sick, and worse yet, your boss had to take over your meeting for you.  Maybe you are a religious or spiritual person, and you just can't make it to the church service today because it is so hard just to get going that you know you won't be able to stand up during the service. What do all of these scenarios have in common? The answer is GUILT! Yes the hidden symptom of chronic pain conditions. We don't always see it, and people on the outside looking in don't always see it either. Guilt is a symptom that can actually cause you to feel even worse. You may think there is no way you could possibly feel worse, but you definitely can.

I have felt the guilt build up within me when I have had to cancel on the same friend numerous times. You begin to think that friend must not understand. She must think that I am just bailing on her because I don't want to be with her. It hurts us just as much as we think they hurt because we cancel on them.  We are dying inside dwelling on it over and over again. Will she ever believe that I want to go to lunch with her again? Will she think I am faking? Does she think I am really sick or that I just don't want to be with her? It is awful what it does to us. I have had the guilt of having pain and fatigue and being unable to hold my infant son as much as I'd like because it hurt too much, or my arms were too weak. I felt like he knew something was different. I felt like he thought I didn't love him anymore. It just tears at your heart! You find other ways to be present, to show your love and to play with them, but it isn't the same as holding a little baby in your arms.  They are so sweet and innocent, and hopefully they have never felt pain like you have felt, so they do not understand why you won't hold them when they cry. Instead, you console them in different ways. You lay them on your lap, put them next to you and talk to them and touch them. But the guilt is too big to tuck away.  Although you can't see it, it surfaces in other ways. It causes a pain so deep within your heart, no pain meds can reach it. It can't be measured on a pain scale either!  My son is only 3 months old, so I do not know what it is like to make promises I can't keep to a young child who may want to go to the park or something similar, but I can certainly imagine what it would be like when my son is older.

I do not work anymore, but I did have the guilt of missing work, important dates that I was supposed to be there and had to have someone cover for me because of my illness because of my surgeries. I felt so much guilt! Also, I am a very spiritual person. I love to go to church on Sundays and holidays. When I can't because of my illness, I feel so guilty. I think that God gave me so much, I should be able to go for an hour to thank Him. And yet, I cannot! The guilt is incredible.

Guilt is real. It hurts. It is a symptom not a feeling or an emotion. We cannot ignore it. We must work through the guilt because if we don't, we will find ourselves getting sicker. It is not something that we can hold on to. It will find a way to surface because although it is an invisible symptom, it cannot stay hidden forever!

Inspiration in The Face of Adversity!

I wanted to share with my followers how important it is to be positive, to keep your faith no matter how hard life may seem, and to remember everything that we experience in life that we learn from can be shared with others so that they can also learn something from it.  No matter how big or how small our experiences are in life, some one out there will find something to take from them to better themselves or others. It can be an incredible feeling to know that one person can have such a huge effect on another, and that effect can be passed on further from one person to another.

When I began blogging, it was because my right shoulder collapsed, and I wanted to share with others my challenge and struggle to wait for it to be replaced. I woke up one morning in October unable to move my right arm because the shoulder had collapsed, and I had to wait until the end of March to have it replaced. I needed to share this with all of you to help me get through the pain, the trials of daily life, and to keep the strength and courage up to make it that long.  I am so glad that I started this blog. I have met some wonderful people online, have realized that there are so many people out there living with chronic pain conditions, and we all need each other to share our stories with to help one another to get through the rough times, to carry on. I first want to thank you all for helping me, and second I'd like to share with you all what someone told me about my story that helped her with her life experience with pain.

Thanks...you have given me inspiration as I've gone through the process of seeing doctors, even getting the second opinion about my shoulder, and getting in a place where I think I am going to get my shoulder "fixed" after nearly 8 months. I've had myofascial spasms for 12 years; we have been calling it and treating it as fibro for the past 2 (I'm on the fibro medications now for pain, and they help a lot).  I cannot imagine the arthritis pain you go through.  Your story of success after shoulder replacement surgery inspires me.  I tore 2 rotator cuffs (the top and "bottom" ones--supraspinatus and subscapularis) while stretching on a stretch bar--one of the morning sretches I had enjoyed for years.  When I got the MRI results several months later after my pain and spasm/guarding in that arm/shoulder had not subsided, I was SHOCKED to read that all 4 of my tendons that make up the shoulder joint were unhealthy, and that 2 were damaged.  I'm an attorney who helps people who have had injuries including by the healthcare establishment or MVAs--so we now laugh because when I got my MRI faxed to me at the office, someone confused it and after reading it over, said "what client is this for????"   Then we realized it was MINE!   Shocking.

Dana...I appreciate your attitude of gratitude, grace and help in the face of adversities.  I think these qualities make you a better candidate as an adoptive parent than many people out there who don't have adversities.  I say this because in my view, your comments...and your response to your health conditions overall, have been so very positive and healthy and strong.  I know you are a Christian...and I am also, so I'll just say--I think that our God is a loving God, and we live in an imperfect world of free will and accidents and all sorts of wildness and imperfection.  In this context, we experience illnesses and pain and losses that we can actually ask God to help us USE to get stronger. You have done this, Dana.  I commend you.  This is the attitude that I aspire to as I face surgery...as well as just every day when I get up and look in the mirror and say "I'm not able to walk in my own shoes today God, so help me out here, ok?  Help me turn this boat around and make it a positive ride, for myself and others, can we?"

For your information, she did have her shoulder surgery, and was recovering well the last time I communicated with her. Also, with her lovely comment in mind about my being a better candidate as an adoptive parent than many others without adversities, my husband and I adopted our first child in December of 2010. It was less than 9 months after my shoulder replacement surgery.  We are so blessed with a beautiful baby boy. He was 4 days old when we picked him up from the hospital. I have to say that my new shoulder came at the perfect time.  I have a brand new shoulder for my brand new baby! Perfect timing! Thank you, God for listening to my prayers--both for the recovery from my surgery and for our son!

Our Health Care System

(Publish date: September 7, 2010), and the theme is: Health care reform. Everyone has an opinion. What's yours? We want to hear all about your experience, what you hope will happen, what you think will actually happen. I did not enter my post in time, but I did write it. I did not publish my post though until months later due to personal situations. I have a link to the Health Care Reform Chronic Babe Blog Carnival for you to read the blog posts that were published. Please read them!

OMG! Health care reform! It is so important, and yet, I believe we may never come to a decision that will be able to help everyone equally or at the very least make everyone equally happy. I do have my own opinions on the health care reform situation. I believe that there is a desperate need for change, I believe that for those who have good insurance already it's scary for them to change anything, I also believe that for those that have no insurance or expensive insurance or the dreaded HMO's that need referrals and can only pick doctors, etc. from a list as well as for those on government aid of some kind, it is scary for them already unless changes do occur and soon. People with the good insurance that already have everything covered and can see any doctors they want, etc., they fear that changing anything will take away from what they already have. They don't want to have to wait longer than the usual wait to see specialists or to have surgery, etc. Those with anything less than good insurance fear that they may need a specialist or surgery, and they will have to wait a long time, perhaps too long, and their health may worsen or the procedures may become more expensive or too expensive to perform.  Death is feared the outcome for some of those people with chronic conditions or with a terminal condition.  It is all so overwhelming!

I must admit, I'm not the right person to blog about this topic probably. I have been very fortunate. I have been able to use my husband's insurance through his job which has not considered anything pre-existing. If I were to try to get my own insurance, I would be turned down instantly because of pre-existing conditions. I could always go on Medicare, but I fear that the doctors, hospitals and treatments would be less appealing and worse still, not as good at treating my conditions.  I know for a fact that my shoulder surgeon doesn't take Medicare, so I would not get the best shoulder surgeon in my area to do any further shoulder surgeries because of that.  I find that scary for me.  Then I think about the whole picture, everyone else. I don't think it's fair that I already get top of the line health care, and others do not. Others are still waiting to be able to go to any doctor or hospital they want.  That should be a human right to choose your own doctor or hospital rather than have your insurance choose it for you.  So for those that have never had that right, I feel terrible that I have never had to think twice about it.  For those that have no insurance at all, it would be so scary to know you have been diagnosed with a condition that will require much needed medical care, surgeries and other treatments. The financial side of that could be extremely detrimental to a lot of people.

I do believe in equal rights to all people, and health care should be included in that. I believe that there are just some things that should not only be considered privileges, but rather human rights for all people.  It shouldn't be a question whether a person can afford it or not, has a job or not, has a job that will pay for it or not, etc.  Every man, woman and child should have the right to equal health care.  I don't know that I believe it should be forced on everyone though. Of course, those same people that complain about having universal health care/insurance should not complain when they end up with a chronic illness, a debilitating illness, or a terminal illness and then want the health care/insurance that was once "forced" upon them. I think it is something that you have to think about long and hard. If you are going to turn it down, ask yourself that question, "what if I end up with a serious illness that requires me to have health care/insurance?" There is no way of knowing ahead of time what may happen in the future when it comes to a person's health.

I can say also that the idea of getting rid of pre-existing conditions is a great idea and will help out a lot of us with chronic illnesses. Many of us also have more than one! I for one have several! I have been saying for years that one of my biggest fears is that my hubby will get a job where they will not cover me, and I will be unable to get insurance on my own unless it is Medicare. With Medicare, there are several of my meds that are not covered under the prescription plan. My out of pocket expenses would be huge!

I have not read the entire health care reform bill, so I do not know everything that is on there to change, get rid of and/or add.  I can just express my opinions, concerns and fears. I am not a very political person, but I am a person living with chronic illnesses, and I am a person who is an RN with a BSN so I am educated and experienced in our health care system. I truly believe that the most important thing to keep in mind is that every change, any small addition and all things taken from the health care bill will affect someone in some way or another. If we keep that in mind, I think we will be able to come to some agreement in coming up with a health care reform bill.  I think that truly that is the only way we will ever come up with a universal and equal health care system!

The Year I Became A Zombie...Trick or Treat!

The next edition of the blog carnival will be posted on Monday, October 18. The theme: Trick or Treat! Halloween is coming soon and we started thinking, wow, medicine is like Editrix Jenni's favorite holiday. Sometimes you get treats, and sometimes you get tricks. We'd love to hear about the ups and downs of your experience. Show us the highs and lows, and the surprises!


Palms sweaty, heart racing, tremors, chest tightness, high blood pressure, nervousness, anxiety, agitation, urinary incontinence, goose bumps, rapid breathing, chills, restlessness, panic atticks, inability to sit still, nightmares, unusual dreaming, abnormal sleep pattern, insomnia! These could be the same effects before, during and after a scary movie or a haunted house. These are examples of side effects from different medications.  I figured this topic would be fitting with Halloween around the corner. When you have chronic illnesses, you have many different medications to take. With the many medications, you have many side effects. Because you have so many side effects, you have to sometimes take even more medications to counteract the awful effects. And sometimes, you can even make more side effects from the added medications to counteract those original side effects. It can become an endless cycle!

I was once misdiagnosed with depression when I went to the doctor with hip, knee and shoulder pain. I told the doctor I couldn't walk up the back steps. The doctor was thinking it was possible that I could be showing signs of multiple sclerosis. An MRI and CT scan were performed. They came back negative. The doctor told me that there were no lesions. He said that I most likely was having symptoms of depression because it can cause pain as well as the more common symptoms. I was sent to a psychiatrist and was indeed diagnosed with depression. By then, though, I do believe I was depressed that no one could figure out what was causing the disabling pain that was making me unable to put one foot in front of the other or reach above my head. I was put on an antidepressant, and at first it did nothing.  Then I was put on a different one, then another, and then another, etc., etc., etc. until I had tried every single SSRI out there. I was told that I probably needed to increase the dose. I was put on one of the many that I had tried only on a higher dose. I began to feel extremely energetic. My thoughts began to raise. My mind began to wander. My legs became restless. I felt like I was losing myself. I was getting racing thoughts. My psychologist told me that I must have been diagnosed too soon with depression. I must have bipolar disorder where I have both mania and depression. I was put on a cocktail of drugs for bipolar depression. I got all the manic symptoms under control, and basically the depression was under control too. I felt absolutely nothing! How can you feel nothing when you had been in so much pain before? I knew something was terribly wrong. I can tell you this. I hate being in pain, but I never ever want to feel "nothing" again. I got to a point---here comes another Halloween reference--where I was turned into a living Zombie. I WAS "night of the living dead." I sat and stared for hours. I could no longer drive a car. I lost my concentration so I could not even comprehend a 30 second commercial let alone a 30 minute T.V. show or a 2 hour movie. I couldn't hold a normal conversation because I didn't even feel like I was in the same room as the other person talking with me. I felt like I should have just walked around moaning "brains, brains..." My walk was more of a "cogwheel," and my tongue was stiff when I tried to talk. I even drooled slightly. What had happened to me? Would I ever get through this?

Well, I was misdiagnosed, number one. I never had depression. When I was given an antidepressant, my body had an adverse reaction to it. I had a manic episode caused by the antidepressant. I was never bipolar; the medication that was given to me for the wrong diagnosis caused a severe side effect that mimicked bipolar disorder. The medications for the bipolar disorder never helped the bipolar disorder, they only caused multiple side effects, therefore turning me into a living Zombie!

I moved away to another state. I had no medication left over. I woke up from a terrible curse! Someone cursed me and turned me into a Zombie. When the curse wore off (the meds ran out), I woke up as a whole person again. I had no depression, no mania. You know what I did have? I had a hell of a lot of pain; that's what!  Trick or Treat!

My Favorite Hobbies Help Me Cope with My Headache Pain--Wanna Find Out How?

Hobbies are so important, and as I've gotten older, my hobbies have changed often. It seems that I always seem to go back to those hobbies that involve some sort of passion of mine. The more I enjoy doing things, the happier I am, therefore the less stressed I am, and the less migraines I tend to get. Although when I was younger, I believe my migraines were brought on primarily by hormones and other issues of my physical body not being balanced out right, I am pretty positive that my migraines in my thirties are more due to stress and anxiety. Yes, I have a lot of physical body imbalances, and I'm sure I have hormonal issues as well, but I am dealing with daily stresses that I just didn't have years ago. We are adopting a child, I have physical disabilities and chronic pain from joint diseases (aside from the migraines), my husband is up for tenure, I am going through a spiritual journey on top of my physical journey, we have moved 3 times in 8 years, I can no longer work, money is always an issue, my dogs are getting older, my oldest dog is now blind with diabetes and 3 legs, my other dog hates every other dog he encounters, we sold our house in KY so we live in an apartment, we are looking to buy a house when my husband gets tenure, and the lists goes on and on. And many of these issues were never even a thought in my head years ago, or even in my twenties.

A new hobby that I have recently picked up is painting. I began by painting a picture of frogs on a log with a cherry blossom tree above them and a bird on a branch. I got carried away with way too much in the picture actually. So I had a friend of mine help me paint a giant picture for our baby's nursery that we are getting ready for when we finally adopt a baby. I had imagined a giant painting of a tree behind the crib, but since we are in an apartment, I didn't want to paint it directly on the wall. We would have to paint over it when we move out, and we would be unable to take it with us. We found 4 canvases at Big Lots for "way cheap" (I'm all about finding the best deal--if that could be a hobby, it would be top on my list), and we decided to put 4 18" by 24" canvases together to paint the giant tree on. I had found online a "heart tree", so we pulled that picture up on my laptop and painted it freehand on the canvases. I am so proud of us! I have decided now that I can really paint if I put my mind to it. I find it very relaxing, and it really makes me not think about anything but what I'm doing at that moment--PAINTING! The painting turned out beautiful. It is a tree with hearts in place of leaves, and a little child is reaching up and grabbing one of the hearts from the tree. Since then, I have painted an angel under a cherry blossom tree, a new painting of frogs, a turtle, an owl on a branch, and another painting of a frog and a dragonfly. I am having so much fun!

A couple hobbies that I tend to do and come back to again and again are sewing and floral arranging/making wreaths. I have a sewing machine, and have made everything from place mats to doggie's scarves to clothes. I put it away for a few years, and I have recently brought it back out to make curtains for the baby's room. I also like to buy artificial flowers, grape vine wreaths, vases, and the mixture to make the water that turns solid. I have made wreaths for every occasion and holiday, and I make sure to change the wreath on the front door for each season and holiday. I also like to buy beautiful, real-looking flowers and put them in small vases and add rocks or marbles to the bottom, and then finally add the mixture that looks like water but is a solid. I usually just have one single flower in the vase like a red rose. I also like to buy or pick fresh flowers and arrange them in large vases. I love to mix the colors with bright green leaves and watch them bloom! When we had our own house, I did more of all of this stuff mainly because we had a lot more space, and I could set everything up in the basement.

Going with the flower subject, I enjoy gardening. There is something very therapeutic about gardening! Since we do not have a yard anymore because we live in an apartment, I can only take care of my 3 house plants. I would probably enjoy growing my own herb garden which I can do in my kitchen or my sun room. The wonderful aroma of an indoor herb garden would really be a nice addition to our home!

This is taken from our adoption profile. You cannot click on it. There is no link to anywhere. On the adoption website, it takes you to our profile, but it doesn't here. Sorry for the confusion!

I enjoy spending time with my fur kids. I believe that playing with them, touching them, and petting them lowers my stress and anxiety more than any other activity. So any hobby that involves my fur kids will definitely reduce my migraines.

I love music and dance. I was a professional dancer, which I have mentioned before. I used to dance at a performing arts center 3 hours a night when  I was very young. I would become a part of the music and literally feel myself inside the music and the music inside me! Now that is a wonderful hobby to reduce stress and help with migraines, but for many years I was unable to dance because of my joints. I will never be a professional ballerina again because my joints are too badly deteriorated. I have however recently begun to dance in a Nia movement class. I am getting the same feeling where I and the music are one. It really works well to relieve stress. I have also begun belly dancing. It is a little more difficult, but I am focused on the belly dancing and nothing else for that one hour. The exercise is good for me, and I am having fun, which is really important to reduce stress and anxiety and pain!

And my two fairly new hobbies are blogging and my blog talk radio show. I have always written in a journal or a diary. I felt as though it helped to write down emotions, things that were bothering me mentally, and when my pain was really bad. I always would look up inspirational quotes and focus on them for the day. Then our world became so computerized, everything and everyone was online. I began to blog about my spiritual journey first on My Path of Self Discovery, then I started my physical journey blog about my chronic pain, etc. Now I have a Blog Talk Radio show that shares the name of this blog I Already Gave My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous! I talk about chronic pain and healing. I have many different subtopics that I will address. The show will be every Friday night at 11 pm ET. After my first Blog Talk Radio show, I was asked to be a guest host on Egun and Then Some... They also asked if I will continue to be a guest host on their show weekly with my own chronic pain segment! So I haven't set that up just yet, but I will let everyone know when that will be. You can check out my first show about me, Dana Morningstar, and what the show has to offer.  My next show is about "The Worst Pain Ever!"  The call-in number is: (714) 459-3943. I am basically still journaling like I used to do, but people all over the world are eavesdropping into my brain, my life, my world. It is an amazing thing! I feel better when I talk about what is bothering me. I feel even better when others can comment about things that they are experiencing as well, which journaling alone does not have. Now with the Blog Talk Radio show, people can literally "hear" my story and listen to other people's questions. I have to say that it is really helpful for my pain issues and it is a hobby that can also "literally" be passed on. Anyone can read my blog and listen to my Blog Talk Radio show! My stress and pain is decreased, and I help to decrease others' pain and stress in the process, which really makes me happy!

Basically, in summary, all of my hobbies are therapeutic to me, not just for my migraines, but for my other chronic joint pain conditions. They reduce anxiety and stress, lower my pain, make me happy, cause a distraction, keep my mind focused on the hobby and nothing else at that time, and most likely lower my blood pressure as well. They keep me calm, relaxed, and feeling much, much better!