I Already Gave My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous...Now Read My HIPS!

Now Read My HIPS! is returning very soon. My blog is currently under construction. I am doing some minor renovating and will begin blogging for the New Year, possibly before. I can't wait to start up again. I have missed all of my followers! I love every single one of you! You have helped me to become who I am today! I could never have continued my blog without all of your support. Please be patient, and please continue to support this blog as well as my other blog Chronically Mommy. Pass this information on to anyone that you know may be interested in knowing...To be continued...

I had my shoulder and both hips replaced, and I am changing things up a bit on this blog! I began belly dancing in 2010! Yes you read that correctly!! I am going to be blogging about my experience as a woman with several joint diseases and conditions who had her shoulder and both hips replaced who now belly dances and performs! I still have pain, but I want to blog about how I have fun too! Now Read My HIPS! Please read Chronically Mommy (chronicallymommy.blogspot.com) for info on health/pain.

Hi, I have avascular necrosis in my shoulders, hips, and knees, psoriatic arthritis, sjogren's, fibromyalgia, and hypermobility. I found out that I have autoimmune arthritis in my cervical spine and a bulging disk in my lumbar spine. Seven years ago my spine orthopaedic surgeon told me I had a small amount of autoimmune arthritis in my SI joint. The question still remains: Is the spinal involvement due to Psoriatic Spondylitis, which is a more severe form of Psoriatic Arthritis or is it a new diagnosis of Ankylosing Spondylitis? Whatever the diagnosis, the treatment will remain the same. I had my left hip replaced in 2003 & my right shoulder replaced in March of 2010. I literally gave my right arm to be ambidextrous! LOL! Lastly, I had my right hip replaced on May 10th, 2012.

I began belly dancing. Yes that's correct! I began belly dancing in 2010, so now it is time to "read my hips." Pain is still another part of my life. It is just a question of when, where and how much, but I would like to use this blog to write about my experience as a woman with several joint diseases and conditions who had both hips and a shoulder replaced and now spends her free time belly dancing and performing! I belong to a dance troupe since February of 2014, Seshambeh Dance Company. I am dancing weekly with my troupe in an advanced class and on Saturdays with another class which focuses on exercise and being a strong woman. I am performing a lot more often now, at least 4 or 5 times per year! Join me in my journey!

At times, I take 16 to 20 pills a day. I go every 4 weeks to the to get a 2 hour IV for my autoimmune arthritis diseases. Just when one thing seems to be doing better, something else goes downhill! My attitude, however, is always going uphill! I am 42 years old, have been married 16 years, and my husband and I adopted Mick in Dec. of 2010! I have a lot on my plate right now, but I take it one moment at a time. I believe that God will never give me more than I can handle. However, I do need to learn to ask for help sometimes instead of always doing it by myself!



(Formerly "I Already Gave My Right Arm To Be Ambidextrous!")

Help, I need somebody,
Help, not just anybody,
Help, you know I need someone, help.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these days are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,
My independence seems to vanish in the haze.
But every now and then I feel so insecure,
I know that I just need you like I've never done before.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me.

When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way.
But now these daya are gone, I'm not so self assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors.

Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being round.
Help me, get my feet back on the ground,
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me, oh.

Now Read My HIPS!

Now Read My HIPS!
Asmara "Beautiful Butterfly"

Blog with Integrity

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Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Guilt Is a Real Symptom!


There are so many symptoms of chronic illness that seem to cross over from one disease, illness, syndrome, etc. to another.  Focusing on pain conditions because that happens to be my specialty, chronic pain conditions tend to come with fatigue, pain, loss of sleep, depression, and other widespread symptoms as well as vague symptoms that many don't even know to list as a symptom that go with chronic pain conditions. One hidden symptom that may get overlooked by the person with the chronic illness and by those around him or her is guilt, yes guilt. Now, you may ask how guilt is a symptom and not just an emotion, a feeling, or a result of being sick...so allow me to explain...


Every single day with a chronic pain condition, every decision we make, every place we go, every step we take has consequences. And we know very well that these consequences do not only affect ourselves. Yes, we would love if each decision didn't lead to another, and another, and yet another, but that is how life is. We may plan for certain things, but we all know that planning doesn't always mean a thing when it comes to a chronic illness. We never know when pain, fatigue, exhaustion, or pure overplanning can occur. We may wake up with a day that is a better pain day, but by the time we leave our house, it has shot clear up to a bad pain day. It is not our fault; it could be the weather, stress, or that we have a cold on top of our chronic condiiton. A real problem that occurs with all of this planning and pain, etc. is that we have to tell the friend that we were going to meet for lunch that we are going to have to cancel or reschedule for another day, that we just can't make it today. We might not be able to spend that extra time with our baby or child because we need to have a lot of extra resting today. Maybe you have a baby that you can't hold as much today or a young child who wanted to go to the park to play, and you had to tell him that you have to do it on another day when Mommy is feeling better. Maybe it was an important work day because you were in charge of running the meeting, and you had to call in sick, and worse yet, your boss had to take over your meeting for you.  Maybe you are a religious or spiritual person, and you just can't make it to the church service today because it is so hard just to get going that you know you won't be able to stand up during the service. What do all of these scenarios have in common? The answer is GUILT! Yes the hidden symptom of chronic pain conditions. We don't always see it, and people on the outside looking in don't always see it either. Guilt is a symptom that can actually cause you to feel even worse. You may think there is no way you could possibly feel worse, but you definitely can.


I have felt the guilt build up within me when I have had to cancel on the same friend numerous times. You begin to think that friend must not understand. She must think that I am just bailing on her because I don't want to be with her. It hurts us just as much as we think they hurt because we cancel on them.  We are dying inside dwelling on it over and over again. Will she ever believe that I want to go to lunch with her again? Will she think I am faking? Does she think I am really sick or that I just don't want to be with her? It is awful what it does to us. I have had the guilt of having pain and fatigue and being unable to hold my infant son as much as I'd like because it hurt too much, or my arms were too weak. I felt like he knew something was different. I felt like he thought I didn't love him anymore. It just tears at your heart! You find other ways to be present, to show your love and to play with them, but it isn't the same as holding a little baby in your arms.  They are so sweet and innocent, and hopefully they have never felt pain like you have felt, so they do not understand why you won't hold them when they cry. Instead, you console them in different ways. You lay them on your lap, put them next to you and talk to them and touch them. But the guilt is too big to tuck away.  Although you can't see it, it surfaces in other ways. It causes a pain so deep within your heart, no pain meds can reach it. It can't be measured on a pain scale either!  My son is only 3 months old, so I do not know what it is like to make promises I can't keep to a young child who may want to go to the park or something similar, but I can certainly imagine what it would be like when my son is older.


I do not work anymore, but I did have the guilt of missing work, important dates that I was supposed to be there and had to have someone cover for me because of my illness because of my surgeries. I felt so much guilt! Also, I am a very spiritual person. I love to go to church on Sundays and holidays. When I can't because of my illness, I feel so guilty. I think that God gave me so much, I should be able to go for an hour to thank Him. And yet, I cannot! The guilt is incredible.

Guilt is real. It hurts. It is a symptom not a feeling or an emotion. We cannot ignore it. We must work through the guilt because if we don't, we will find ourselves getting sicker. It is not something that we can hold on to. It will find a way to surface because although it is an invisible symptom, it cannot stay hidden forever!

2 comments:

kendra22 said...

awesome article!!! loved it ..I have auto immunune hashimotos disease of the thyroid and chronic fatigue and kidney stones they have left in the kidney since they can't do anymore for them..thanks for sharing your living, you are an inspiration!
http://sweeps-kendra22.blogspot.com/2011/03/charity-knitting-site-of-great-patterns.html

Dana Morningstar said...

Kendra, stay positive! Remember, there are people out there with similar issues, that share your concerns. I began blogging to help myself, not knowing that others were out there like me! How wonderful it is to be able to help each other and form a bond and a special connection. I'm so glad that I have found people out there to help me get through my rough times. Thanks for your URL! I will read your blog! Blessings, Dana

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